Letting Go Of What No Longer Serves You

If you have taken a yoga class, the phrase "let go of what no longer serves you" is probably familiar. These words are often shared in the beginning of class when gearing up to begin a practice of being in the moment, intentionally breathing and moving without judgement. I love this expression and believe it can be taken beyond the yoga studio into daily life. It starts as a reminder to yourself. This reminder can then develop into a consistent practice of letting go of the things that are holding you back in order to create a life more aligned with what you want. By letting go of what is no longer serving a purpose in your life you allow yourself to move forward and grow. Here are five tips on how you can begin to let go of the things that are no longer serving you.

1. Become aware of what is not serving you. Maybe it is a limiting belief, such as "I can't do this," or maybe it is a routine, like overworking yourself without any self-care. It could even be a person, a location or a type of food. If something is not working for you the first step to moving past it is to become aware of what it is. Chances are you are already experiencing some sort of discomfort which is alerting you to the "it’s not working" feeling about one or more things in your life.
2. Once you are aware, start being mindful of how this discomfort is impacting your life. For example, every time you tell yourself you cannot do something you lower your self-confidence. This lower self-confidence leads to distress and lack of motivation to push yourself forward. In turn, this makes it difficult for you to accomplish goals and triggers a nasty downward spiral of negativity. Being mindful of this will bring to light just how powerful one small thought can be. Understanding the power of our thoughts and harnessing that power can be the catalyst for positive change.
3. Ask “What is within my power to change?” If something deeply affects you but it does not appear to be possible to change you have to look within. Some things, like the way others interact with you is not within your power to change. Instead of harboring negative emotions every time this occurs, you can save yourself a lot of suffering by adjusting how you internalize what is bothering you rather than expecting others to act differently. If something is within your power to change, like an unhealthy relationship, imagine what your life could be like without that toxic relationship.
4. Be honest with yourself about what is possible to let go of right now. Sometimes letting go is simple whereas other times it can be really, really scary. Be honest and realistic with yourself about what you are ready to let go of. Maybe your job is creating a lot of misery and discomfort in your life but you are not ready to leave. Instead of feeling helpless about not being able to change anything, be honest about your boundaries and limitations and evaluate what is possible to change. Chances are, you are able to change some aspect of the situation, even if it is internally. Small changes like this can have a major positive impact.
5. Utilize forgiveness, not just with others but with yourself too. When you let go of things that have created a lot of negativity in your life, it is natural for unpleasant emotions to come up in the process. Maybe you are angry with yourself for how long you held onto something or maybe you are projecting your anger outwards onto someone else. Either way, forgiveness is a powerful tool and allows you to begin moving on and moving forward. The quote "forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace" is especially meaningful to remember in this process.

You are the one that creates the atmosphere of the world you are living in. Is it one of peace and happiness or one of discomfort and stress? Both of these and everything in between is a choice. Recognize that you can always make the choice to let go of things. I make no illusions about how difficult this may be, however, remember that it is always possible.

Taking a Leap of Faith

So you are ready to make a change. Congratulations! Whether big or small, changes can be challenging because they force us to get out of our comfort zone and shake up the life we are used to. I am taking a leap of faith myself. I want to share with you my journey and the reminders that have helped me stay confident along the way.

In seven short weeks, I will be packing a backpack and leaving the country. My husband, who inspired this trip, myself, and my adventure-loving dog will be heading to Italy to live and work on a farm. Five years ago when this idea first took hold I immediately nixed any possibility of it becoming a reality. I had too many fears, doubts, and ideas about how terrible this would be for me and my career. Two years later, when I first traveled to Europe, I saw the potential and embraced the vision. Part of life is about taking chances and making big changes with the hope that it will be spectacular. It is okay to be a little apprehensive, but I challenged myself to not let that fear dictate my life.

Maybe you are thinking I am nuts (I don't blame you) or maybe you are thinking I am brave (which I have come to believe myself). It takes a certain amount of bravery to take a leap of faith, no matter how life-altering.

Here are the things I have reminded myself of while going through this journey.

Before the leap:

1. Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen? This is always a good starting point and something I frequently ask when I am making any change, big or small. If the answer is detrimental to my well-being or will have a negative impact on my future, I will not do it. If the worst that can happen is that I fall and need to pick myself back up, I know I have done that before, and I feel confident that I can do it again.
2. Trust your gut. It is okay to feel anxious. I don't know about you, but when I am about to make a change, I tend to get anxious. Anxiety is completely normal and acceptable to experience when you are in the midst of a change. My body has a very good way of communicating to me whether that anxiety is "good" as in excitement or "bad" as in doubt. If you are attuned to the difference in these feelings this gut instinct can help guide you to the right decision.
3. Talk to like-minded people and do your research. In the end, you are the one ultimately making the decision. It is completely normal to put feelers out there to see if what you are trying to do is possible, especially in the early stages of your decision to make a change. Talking to people who are like-minded and doing research can help solidify your decision, but always remember to make the decision for yourself.
4. Don't let fear choose for you. Fear is an emotion that has the power to hold you back from pushing boundaries, exceeding limits, and growing. Maybe your biggest fear in making a big change is making a mistake or receiving judgment from others. Rather than letting that fear dictate your decision, again ask yourself what is the worst that can happen? Having a comprehensive understanding of the potential consequences of your choice will help you feel more confident in your decision making.

Once you have decided to jump:

1. Don't think about what may have been. Self-doubt, comparison, and worry take away from enjoying the decision you have already made. This will not be helpful to your end goal and will likely hold you back from embracing the change fully. Focus on the positives of the decision you have made and feel confident in it.
2. Believe in yourself! Know and trust that the decision you made was the right one for you. If you need reassurance, remember that you have weighed the options and thoughtfully decided to take this leap of faith.
3. Set up a support team to be champions for you. Ask for encouragement if you are feeling challenged, reach out for a boost if you need one, and share the excitement along the way. Be sure to surround yourself with people who are going to encourage and support you throughout this change.
4. Be mindful of how you are feeling along the way. Check in with yourself, especially when the transition is new. Take time to breathe it all in and enjoy the journey.

Remember, if you want something to change, you have to change something! Good luck on your journey. I am excited to keep you updated on mine.

Finding What Happiness Means to You

Happiness: we all want it, strive for it, and believe it is essential for a good life. If I asked you to describe what happiness is, what would you say? The problem is that most people do not individualize the meaning of happiness for their own lives.

Is it something tangible like having money, a healthy relationship, a great job? Is it something abstract like pleasure, peace, comfort? Happiness is unique to each person, rather than a generally agreed upon definition. When you can define your happy state of mind, you can channel it, and use it to your advantage.

The first question is asking yourself "what does happiness look like in my life?" Focusing on the things that bring pleasure, meaning, and fulfillment to your life will help you define your happy state of mind. Forget what happiness looks like to others, what society tells us happiness is, and any "shoulds" you have in your mind. By defining happiness in your own terms, you allow it to be a more naturally occurring emotion and state of being.

Some common areas to begin evaluating while you are searching for your happy are:

• Personal life
• Professional life
• Social life
• Physical health and wellness
• Finances
• Intimate relationships
• Family relationships
• Hobbies and activities

Maybe your happy state of mind is created by connecting with loved ones frequently, having downtime with your spouse, being outside and moving, challenging yourself with physical activities, being creative, and working in a field that gives back to others (or maybe I just described myself!). Once you have your working definition of happiness, use that information to create more happiness in your day to day routine. Happiness becomes something that you can create and appreciate rather than something you are simply working towards.

The next question to ask yourself is "what is a barrier to my happiness right now?" I hear too many people say "I'll be happy when: I have more money/I get married/I get promoted" placing the happiness in external factors rather than in your own, very capable hands. The issue with this is that it leaves us waiting to be happy. Maybe it is true that you will feel more fulfilled with a promotion/marriage/money. But why put off being happy until those things come? What if happiness occurred throughout the journey rather than only at the destination? When you are able to identify the barriers to your current happiness (feeling stuck at work, poor communication in relationships, not feeling challenged, etc.) come up with a game plan to make changes and get to your happy place.

The most important thing to remember when finding your happy is to strive for balance. Understand that happiness is not a constant state of mind--that is unrealistic. When you tell yourself that you "should" be happy all the time, you set yourself up for an unrealistic expectation and inevitable failure. Those people that seem happy all the time? They are not living in some perfect, stress-free alternate universe. Chances are they are choosing to adapt and cope with 'downs' as they come and enjoying the 'ups' more. It is unlikely that every single area of importance in your life will be at peak happiness levels all the time. That is okay! When things are rough in one area of your life, create happiness in other areas to balance it out. Once you begin thinking of happiness as something you can choose and create in your life, the balance becomes a lot easier.

Developing Weaknesses Into Strengths

Strengths and weaknesses are all a matter of perception. They have been established over the course of our lives by the feedback we receive from ourselves and those around us. The problem is, our current definition of weaknesses is very limiting and does not allow the potential for change. Instead of living by such strict definitions (strength=good, weakness=bad), what if you could redefine what strengths and weaknesses mean and learn how to utilize both strengths and weaknesses to accomplish personal goals?

First, I like to think of strengths as qualities within a person that they are comfortable with and that help them to excel personally and professionally (think: confidence or intelligence). Weaknesses are simply characteristics someone would like to improve upon because they create barriers to excelling personally and professionally (think: impatience or shyness). Alternatively, there are neutral traits that may fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum and do not necessarily help or harm (think: enthusiasm or seriousness). The dated notion that certain traits are permanent and "bad" creates the mindset that they cannot be changed. In actuality, any quality can be strengthened as long as you set your mind to making the change.

The second layer is to be mindful of the dual roles most traits possess. Confidence, for example, can be both a strength and a weakness, depending on the intensity of the trait, the person, and the situation. In a professional setting, high levels of confidence may be looked at as a strength and a necessary part of the position. In a personal setting, that same level of confidence may be a weakness and create distance in relationships. Instead of seeing traits only as strengths or weaknesses, I ask clients to be aware of the strengths within their weaknesses, the weaknesses within their strengths, and always aim to find the balance between the two.

Using your already established strengths and evolving your weaknesses as leverage to accomplish goals is the best, and most lasting way to long-term success. With some goals in mind, write out the strengths that will help you achieve those goals and the weaknesses that may get in the way. Next, think about the strengths within the weakness and develop an affirmation to remind yourself of what you are trying to accomplish.

Your list may look something like this:

1. Goal: Better time management
2. Strengths: I am self-motivated and have prioritized this goal as a necessity for more productivity in my professional life and more fulfillment in my personal life
3. Weaknesses: I can be impatient and self-critical
4. Strengths Within Weaknesses: I am good at measuring progress
5. Counterbalancing Affirmation: I recognize that my critical and impatient nature can knock me down if I'm not making progress fast enough so I will be mindful of when my progress is not meeting my expectations and remind myself that this goal may take time to accomplish

Remember, weaknesses are only as limiting as you allow them to be and strengths are only useful when you are allowing them to help. All it takes is determination and a shift in perspective to begin developing your weaknesses into newfound strengths.

Four Steps To Creating a Healthy Routine

Happy New Year! The beginning of a new year is seen as a fresh start with new possibilities and new goals. In developing your resolutions, I challenge you to think about new ways to break unhealthy habits and grow into healthy ones.

Habits are repetitive behaviors that we engage in continuously over a period of time. They can be both healthy and unhealthy and are developed consciously or unconsciously. It is important to be aware of the habits that we engage in routinely because those habits tend to dictate our lives.

Here are some examples of common unhealthy behaviors and tips on how to make positive changes. Even I am guilty of a few of these and work extra hard to be conscious of how these habits impact my life.

1. Being constantly connected to technology. I think we can all agree this is an extremely difficult habit to break, but one that has probably been at the top of your "goal" list at some point. Checking e-mails and social media sites numerous times a day takes you away from the present moment and can increase stress. Instead, set a goal for yourself to decrease the number of times you connect per day and aim to connect with yourself and those around you more than you check your phone.

2. Mindless tasks. On a day-to-day basis how frequently are you in autopilot mode? This is when you are not thinking about what you are doing and not paying attention to the small moments in your day-to-day routine. Think about what you were wearing yesterday or what you ate for dinner two nights ago. Can you remember these details? If not, chances are you are living in autopilot mode too much. Rather than living in this mindless, disconnected state, aim to give yourself breaks throughout the day where you take a breather and become mindful of what is around you.

3. Negative self-talk. That little voice in our head that tells us what we are thinking and feeling can be helpful and harmful. I'm sure you have had moments when you do something silly and think to yourself "what an idiot I am!" A little harsh, right? Judgmental, negative, harsh self-talk like this can breed self-doubt and decrease self-esteem. Try living by the rule of: If you would not say it to someone else, do not say it to yourself. 

Maybe you can relate to some or all of these examples and are asking yourself how to make a change. To begin breaking a habit, work through these four steps to make your healthy routine more natural.

Step 1: Awareness
The first step to replacing a bad habit is to be aware of it. You may jump to wanting to make an immediate change, but first it is important to evaluate the habit and get to know it better. How it affects you, when it occurs, and why it has developed into a pattern. In doing this, you connect more with yourself and increase your awareness of the habitual behavior.

Step 2: Planning
Once you have more awareness, make a plan for change. Maybe it is not realistic to say you will only check your e-mail once a day. That is ok! It is always better to be realistic with yourself and make incremental changes rather than drastic ones. Since you have become aware of the habit, you will be able to make a better assessment of how it needs to change and what is realistic.

Step 3: Accountability
The next step is to gain accountability. Whether this is from a friend, partner, or with the help of a daily reminder to yourself. Being held accountable makes it more likely that you will stick to a goal.

Step 4: Replace
Finally, look to replace an unhealthy habit with a healthier one. Rather than getting rid of an unhealthy habit all together and leaving the possibility for you to feel a void that needs to be filled, be proactive. For example, if you know you run on autopilot most often during the mid-day crash, set up a healthy habit to replace it. Take a 10-15 minute break for yourself to relax, breathe, and practice a little self-care.

Good luck in all of your resolutions!

The Four Agreements: Blueprint for Happiness

You have heard the saying before, "life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." The concept of personal freedom speaks to that 90%. Personal freedom is creating and choosing a life of happiness, love, and peace. In turn, creating freedom from self-rejection, blame, and suffering. 

Don Miguel Ruiz is a spiritual teacher and author of The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. He offers four simple "agreements" or principles to live by that can change your relationship with yourself and the world around you. The idea is to break free from the agreements and beliefs that bring us suffering to allow more happiness into our lives.

Here are the Four Agreements and ways to practice each agreement in your daily life.

1. Be impeccable with your word. 

The Meaning: Spoken word is powerful and creates the realities of a person's life. Suffering and judgement are created when we allow others' words to dictate who we believe ourselves to be and internalize others' beliefs to define who we are. 

The shift: Question what you believe to be true about yourself and ask yourself where those beliefs originated. Those things that you tell yourself like "I'm not good enough" or "I'll never be able to do that" usually come from long-standing beliefs that have been developed with the help of others' words. When you begin challenging those beliefs and switching the dialogue within your mind, a strong shift will happen.

2. Don't take anything personally. 

The Meaning: Someone else's point of view can only impact your own if you allow it to. You are not responsible for the actions of others, only for yourself.

The Shift: Understand that what others do or say to you is about them. Assuming that what someone else does is because of you strips that person of any responsibility and places unnecessary burden on you. In reality, you have the power to choose what you internalize. By choosing not to take anything personally, you can decrease guilt and judgement and increase peace and happiness. 

3. Don't make assumptions. 

The Meaning: Mind reading and jumping to conclusions damage relationships and create barriers to communication.  

The Shift: Instead of assuming that someone "should" know what you are thinking, practice assertive communication in relationships. Avoid making meaning out of nuances or signals from others. When in doubt, ask!

4. Do your best. 

The Meaning: Moment to moment and within different circumstances, your best will change. As long as you do the most that you are capable of within that moment, you are doing your best. Do your best without expectation and without contingencies. 

The Shift: Become aware of what your "best" means by connecting with yourself and being mindful of your capabilities. Living with integrity will strengthen the relationship with yourself and others. That critical voice in your head can be replaced with more self-assurance and confidence when you remind yourself that you have done your best in any situation.

By practicing these simple but powerful principles of living, you will see a shift in the way you feel about yourself and the way you interact with the world around you. Most important, you will be creating personal freedom by making the most of that 90%.

5 Questions to Help You Improve Your Relationship With Yourself

We often prioritize the needs of other people in our lives letting our own needs fall by the wayside. In actuality, making yourself a priority creates more peace in your life and allows you to give to others in a more meaningful way. Challenge yourself to start improving your relationship with the most important person in your life (hint: it's you) by asking yourself these 5 questions.

1. How well do I know myself? I am not talking about how you like your coffee or whether you’re an early bird or a night owl, although those things are important too. I'm talking about understanding what makes you tick, what your strengths and weaknesses are, and what your goals in life are. By understanding what makes you uniquely you, you will be in a better position to begin living an authentic life. You will be able to express your wants and needs more effectively and begin to see yourself living more aligned with the life you want to live.

2. How often am I checking in with myself? Here is a fun game I play with my clients to see how mindfully they are living. I ask: what did you have for lunch two days ago? The answer reveals so much about how present you are throughout the day. When you are more present in your daily routine, you allow yourself to live less on autopilot and begin to live more intentionally. By checking in with yourself you will be in a better position to give yourself what you need when you need it.

3. Am I working with myself instead of against myself? How much of what you do in your day-to-day is creating happiness, peace, and fulfillment? How much is creating stress, negativity, and emptiness? Begin evaluating your lifestyle to see what feels right and what does not. Choose to fill more of your time with things that energize you instead of drain you. When something doesn't feel right, ask yourself how you can make it better or whether you can create an exit strategy.

4. How balanced is my life? Life will never be 100% smooth sailing, calm seas, and sunny skies. That being said, it also will not always be stormy. Experiencing those challenging days allows us to feel good about making it through and empowers us to appreciate the calm. When you are truly connected to the moments that you are feeling peace, you are able to live in that moment and enjoy it. Choose to find a healthy balance and do your best to maintain it. Acknowledge when things suck and choose to see the positive as well. Working with yourself and knowing when things are feeling off balance gives you the opportunity to catch yourself in real time and make adjustments.

5. How often am I giving to myself? The answer should be daily! Self-care is the lifeline to sustainable peace. It could be an affirmation acknowledging how well you handled a challenging situation. It could be listening to an amazing playlist on your way to work and being truly present with the music. It could be a 5 minute meditation on your lunch break. Utilize all the awareness you have gathered from the previous questions to feed your soul with small and big gifts every day.

I am challenging you to start becoming your own best friend. Begin getting to know yourself better, work with your strengths, acknowledge your weaknesses, find the balance, prioritize your needs, and be generous and kind to yourself.

Being Present During Holiday Stress

It is the most wonderful time of the year. It is also the busiest. The holiday season passes in the blink of an eye. If we are not conscious of being present, we can miss a lot of special moments. Being mindful allows us to enjoy these moments with our loved ones, creates less stress, and provides rejuvenation. With December halfway through and 2016 around the corner, take some time to disconnect from the stress and chaos. Choose to get connected to yourself and the reason for the season by practicing mindfulness.

Mindfulness means being connected to yourself in the present moment. The practice of mindfulness allows for increased awareness of the thoughts, feelings, and sensations happening in the present. It is the ability to connect with yourself, your surroundings, and the experiences happening in that moment.  Rather than being distracted by the past or future, being present enables us to enjoy the moments that are happening right now. As the holidays approach, use these tips to help you focus on the present.

1.  Breathe, connect, repeat! Mindful breathing, meaning being connected to your breath, is the quickest way to bring yourself into the present moment. Intentional breathing allows you to be connected and aware of the now. When you notice your thoughts getting away from the present, take a deep breath and refocus your energy to the festivities at hand.

2.  Be mindful of how you are spending your time. The best way to begin a mindful holiday season is to choose with purpose. In the time between Thanksgiving and New Years it is easy to have obligations each weekend, which can lead to stress and exhaustion. Instead of feeling pressure to attend every event, choose wisely and exercise discretion.

3.  Practice saying no. Saying yes to every invitation will likely make for a very stressful month. Instead, find some balance in your agenda by making time for the things that are energizing instead of draining.

4.  Stick to the choices that you have made. Being mindful means enjoying what is not what could be. Remind yourself why you chose to do what you are doing and give yourself the chance to be present without letting guilt or second guessing get in the way.

5.  Leave expectations at the door. Minimizing expectations and judgment allows you to appreciate moments for what they are, not what you think they should be. Instead of expecting your cookie-decorating party to be a perfectly coordinated event and getting upset with yourself if something fails, be in the moment and enjoy the event as it happens.

6.  Balance the busyness with self-care. It is nearly impossible to be completely stress-free during the holidays so be sure to reward yourself for getting through the stress. Balance a hectic shopping trip with a peaceful coffee break. Prepare for a large family gathering by having a relaxing walk prior.

7.  Choose to find the best in each situation. That holiday party you thought would be a blast might be a bust; enjoy it anyways. Be present, laugh, enjoy. Being mindful does not give you control over situations, but it does give you control over how you respond to them.

Enjoy the moment by being present and have a happy holiday season!

What 'Talking Outside The Box' Means

I believe in the use of spiritual and holistic practices that are not readily used in traditional counseling. I hope to touch on many of these practices, tools, and tips throughout my posts and give advice that I often find myself giving to clients.

I’ve created the term and site ‘Talking Outside the Box’ as a way to refer to getting out of the routines and away from the four-walled-box that is a typical therapy room. These things are limiting and traditional practices do not always meet the needs of someone trying to make significant changes in unique ways. So I propose that we have counseling sessions ‘Outside the Box.’ By changing the setting from indoors to outdoors, I hope to challenge my clients to take steps towards goals in a way that is meaningful and realistic.

I want to help clients create a practice of being present, aware, and non-judgemental in daily life. Doing this will allow clients to be in the moment, find balance, and gain a better understanding about what they want out of life so they are able to achieve it. It is my belief that anyone can have peace and happiness and I love helping people along their journey to find it. So here begins my journey to get outside the box and take steps throughout NYC, finding awareness, focus, and positivity in unlikely places.

Hoping For Change

What a beautiful spring morning it is here in NYC! I love the way people’s energy visibly changes when they can finally see the hope of change, in this case seeing winter morph into summer. But there’s also that glimmer of hope that I get to see in people when they’re making positive change in their lives. There is a shift in a person’s energy, from hopeless to hopeful. In therapy, we call it insight but what that really means to me is understanding.

Gaining an understanding of yourself might mean looking from the outside in, seeing things objectively; finally seeing something after it’s pointed out to you again and again, but without self-judgment; or just accepting that you want things in your life to be different, better, happier. Once we understand that the way we are or have been doesn’t necessarily mean that is who we will always be, change is possible, growth becomes possible.

So today, on this glorious, sunny spring day, I ask of you and myself: what change are we hoping for right now? Is it something that is possible? If so, take steps towards that change and embrace the new spring energy!