Finding Common Ground in Relationships: Brian

Relationships are built on many things: physical attraction, compatibility, trust, and eventually coming to respect each other's differences and finding those common things that each of you love. When Leslie and I first met the only thing I thought we had in common was that we worked in the same restaurant.

During our time dating I began to notice the commonalities, the first of which I can remember is our fondness of some of the greatest comedic movies of our era. You know the ones: Superbad, The 40-Year Old Virgin, I Love You Man, etc. We tend to quote these movies in our daily lives which, in a weird way, brings us closer. Inside jokes are established and most times we can relate ridiculous quotes from these movies into our daily life. 

After beginning to spend almost every night together, whether working or not, food became a very important part of our relationship. Nights we spent off the clock we would always either grab a bite to eat out together or make something at home. We learned that it was always more exciting and fun to make a homemade meal. Luckily we have continued this tradition over the course of our relationship.

We have learned to communicate better through the course of many arguments over who is the chef and who is the helper (more about that later, though). Since moving to NY our shared love for food and cooking together has grown. Now that we have a bigger kitchen and an actual dining table we can host dinner parties. We have successfully cooked for 13 people! Cooking together is something that we do on a daily basis and something that brings us closer together. 

The lesson in this is not necessarily to enjoy the same movies or always to agree on the same food, but to find something simple and enjoyable with your partner. Something that can bring you laughter in the most awkward of moments and something to enjoy together when all other options are non-existent.

So whether it is starting your day off together with a cup of coffee, meeting for lunch, cooking dinner or reading together before bedtime, find a way that you can share the love on a daily basis. I'm grateful for those moments in our relationship.

- Brian Jay

Finding Common Ground in Relationships: Leslie

When I first proposed the idea of writing together to Brian he was totally up for it. I wanted it to be something we could both easily speak to. I asked him what he believed we could write about regarding our relationship and the things that make it work well. I was pleasantly surprised by his answers which will be the next two blog topics. 

This week, we will each be sharing our thoughts on finding the common ground: common hobbies, passions and interests. Next week we will be talking about the opposite: our differences. Each week we will publish my perspective and then follow-up a few days later with his. Thanks, Brian for the excellent idea!

Common interests are often what draw couples to one another in the first place. Whether it is from an online profile or friends setting you up or even a random meeting, chances are you are with someone because you have something in common. 

For us, it was our love for food, adventures, outdoors, and animals (mostly my dog, Betsy) that helped us to initially bond. What has happened over the past nine years is that those interests have developed into a lifestyle that has helped us to stay connected and strengthen our relationship. Whatever the commonality, it is the glue that holds relationships together. Whether friendships or intimate relationships when things are shared, even if it is just a lot of history, a bond develops.

The role that food plays in our relationship is significant. Yes, most people enjoy eating, but we are of the "foodie" crowd. We enjoy looking at all types of food, grocery shopping, prepping, smelling, tasting, admiring food, and then talking about it in detail afterwards. Another very important part of our relationship is our adventurous spirits and desire to be active and outdoors. Our love for the outdoors became a way that we love to experience the world together. Our passion to travel has allowed us to experience different places in a similar way and has taken us across the globe to Italy.

This is one of the key things all relationships need. The spice, if you will. These shared interests, hobbies, and passions have given us the chance to keep our relationship interesting and exciting even if what we are doing is routine. I encourage you to find your mutual spice, your relationship's passion, and dive into that. Brian and I can always opt for an adventure or fondly remember our experiences from the past. The counterpoint of the spice, because balance is always necessary, is to just be happy together. Be content where you both are, whether it is adventuring or watching Netflix on the couch. Finding common ground on your Netflix preferences is, of course, equally as important!

A Thank You to Mothers: The Strong Women They Raise & The Men Who Appreciate Them

This week celebrates mothers around the world! We want to celebrate ours and dedicate this post to them: Janet & Donna. We love you and we would not be here without you. It is with your love, support, and encouragement that we are able to be who we are.  

My mother raised me to be independent. She never discouraged my outspoken nature. I learned to be sensitive, compassionate, and free-spirited through her. It was never imposed upon me that I should act or behave a certain way other than who I was. I see the value in that as an adult. I am a strong-minded, strong-willed woman and I thank my mom for helping me to become the person I am today. 

At no point has my husband ever discouraged me from being the strong woman I am. This is probably due in part to being raised by a strong woman himself. She fully supports Brian in all that he does. This trait has become his nature and it is one I value tremendously in our relationship. 

Through the nurturing of our mothers, we learn about love and compassion. In turn, we eventually learn how we need to be cared for in relationships. In my relationship, I have learned that I need support and encouragement from my partner. Thankfully, my mother-in-law raised a supportive, caring "modern man" who can be and is that partner. 

Thank you to all the mothers out there raising strong women and the modern men who love them! A special thanks to my mom and my mother-in-law. 

Introducing the Relationship Series: Leslie & Brian Jay

Therapists are taught that non-disclosure is the best practice. As with most things taught in school, the reality is more difficult. In practice it is often challenging to be a blank slate to our clients. I got engaged and married in the course of the three years at my last job. It was impossible to pretend like that did not happen. My goal is always to be a real human for my clients.  

Clients often open up to me about their relationship issues and may ask things like "does that ever happen in your relationship?" or "what would you do if that happened to you?" I feel a sense of obligation to them and myself to be real with them. I do not act as if my relationship exists in a perfect vacuum void of any problems. I prefer to balance the boundary of giving helpful personal details while remaining professional. 

For the next month, I am going to get a bit more personal. I aim to continue being professional while offering personal insight and examples from my own relationship. My objective is to share with you, my lovely readers, how and why our relationship works as well as I think it does. My other goal is to include my wonderful husband's perspective on our relationship as well. So without further adieu, here are a few disclaimers: 

• I am not a relationship therapist; they have a special degree for that in NYC.
• I have never online dated. Nine years ago we met the old fashioned way before it was a thing i.e. I flirted with him and made it really obvious that I was interested until he responded.
• I do not think our relationship is perfect, but I do think it is functional. My hope in letting you in like this is to encourage better communication, inspire couples to travel, and to normalize bickering (in Italy it is so commonplace it would be unhealthy for us not to!). 

To give you a little background information on the two of us, Brian and I met while working at a restaurant in Tallahassee, Florida during our college years. We dated for one year before I offered Brian our first adventure: move to New York City so I could go to graduate school. He accepted and we have been living in NYC ever since. As with any relationships, we have had our share of ups and downs. What I believe has kept us strong is our individual sense of selves and our communication.

As in any new relationship, communication styles have to be learned and jointly developed for a healthy dialogue. Being a therapist, I pride myself on my communication skills. I almost always know what I want and I know how to effectively communicate my thoughts and feelings. Brian is an excellent communicator, even though he might not always know what he wants. We balance each other out in that I can be a bit too outspoken and he can be a bit too laid back. Most of all, we respect each other's differences and embrace one another for who we are, rather than expecting the other person to change. 

After nearly five years, Brian proposed at the very same restaurant where we worked and met. Wedding planning brought up issues we had never encountered before, but we worked through it and are stronger because of it. On our wedding day I vowed to be present in our relationship and I encourage the same for all of you. This vow has been crucial for me to remember since at times I can be stubborn and emotional which takes me away from the present moment. During the course of our marriage, we have dove into our respective careers and worked far too many hours all while trying to make our relationship a priority. Even when we are stressed we always come back to the things that we enjoy and make us happy as a couple: cooking, eating, being outdoors, being active, and going on adventures. 

Last year we decided that we would go on the ultimate adventure and live in Italy. So here we are working together again, this time on a farm in Italy. It is not always easy to be around each other 24/7. Most couples do not have the opportunity to work with one another once, let alone twice. It takes a critical amount of communication, love and patience. It also takes a lot of appreciation for each other, our environment, and the life we are building together. 

We are looking forward to sharing our ideas on what it takes to build and sustain a healthy and happy relationship. I welcome any questions that may be unanswered over the course of the series. Ask away! I'll get as professionally personal as I can allow myself to be!

Finding the Balance Part II: Stillness

Last week I began discussing the balance needed between movement and stillness with tips on how to bring more movement into your life. This week's post will discuss reasons to do the opposite. My personal impulse is to constantly be in motion. While this is not necessarily a poor trait, I acknowledge that it might not be the healthiest thing to do all the time. I fully recognize and admit that I need more stillness in my life. I am guessing that some of you may be in the same boat.

I thrive on keeping busy and feeling "accomplished" aka tired at the end of my day. If I have thirty minutes free between clients or while waiting for a train to arrive, my first impulse is not to sit patiently and wait. If I am being honest, it is not even my second. At first thought, it may seem like a personality trait or that you are hard-wired to be on the go whenever possible.

If you think about it, I bet that constant movement, often mindless and disconnected from the present moment, is not an inherent trait, rather a learned one. We have been programmed to multitask at most hours of the day. This can make unwinding, relaxation, and even sleep nearly impossible. Yes, multitasking for many purposes is functional, beneficial, and even healthy. However, that is not always the case. 

This blog was inspired by the lyrics "taking steps is easy, standing still is hard." As I have already admitted, stillness is not the easiest thing for me. It often comes as a reminder or an active choice that I need to be still, be in the moment, and slow down. 

Here are some ways you can find the best balance for you:

• Check in with yourself during down time. This is important for daily self-care. It allows you to scan your needs and give your body and mind the movement or stillness that it is asking for.
• Slow down to absorb and appreciate any changes and progress you are making.
• Still your mind for an energizing boost. Let this help you have time to organize your thoughts and feelings.
• Think of stillness as a cool down after a work out. Being still in your body allows for relaxation and peace. It gives you the chance to absorb all the great energy you are creating.

Remember that you are aiming to find the sweet spot that is unique to you. Balance an adequate amount of physical movement and mental momentum mixed with a healthy amount of stillness for optimal mental and physical wellness. Despite my own struggles with stillness, know that I am working on practicing what I preach. I hope you will practice standing still with me.

Finding the Balance Part I: Movement

Like all things in life, there is a yin and yang and the beauty is finding a balance of the two. I love the relationship between opposites. The next two posts will be about the importance of both movement and stillness as necessary practices for a healthy life. I find it natural to constantly be in motion. So much so that I often plan my days, weeks, and even my vacations to be jam packed. My mind often reflects the same movement and it is not uncommon for my wheels to be turning at all hours of the day and night. To some, this may sound exhausting. I agree! It certainly can be which is why it is imperative to find the balance.

The philosophy of one of my favorite exercise classes, Circuit of Change is "movement will heal you." Think more broadly than just physical movement. Think mental, physical, spiritual, energetic movement. Whatever it may be that ails you, movement certainly can heal. Movement is akin to growth and progress. Whether it is forward motion or not does not matter. The important thing is to get in motion. This is what I love about my walking sessions. The fact that walking alone generates a different state of mind is incredible and can be achieved with very little effort.

Being stagnant or inactive in our bodies and minds differs from being stillness in that stillness comes with the intention to be still and at peace. Stagnation of our physical and mental states rarely opens up positive things. For example, staying in the same place hour after hour, or even day after day, without any change can become depressing. Similarly thinking the same thoughts or staying in the same thought patterns day after day can often be self-defeating. 

For these reasons I recommend adding a little movement into your day. Have you ever been stuck on something only to see the answer 5 minutes later after you take a break? This is what I am talking about! Physically, the simple act of taking even a brief walk is shown to have a major positive impact on your body. Even a simple change in scenery can do your body and mind good. This technique works well with feeling stuck, angry, frustrated, and even sad. Allow yourself some space from the emotion or thought and chances are, you will feel much better once you come back to it with a clear mind. 

Mentally, you can allow your mind some refreshment by listening to a new type of music, working on a crossword puzzle or even watching funny videos. Mental movement can release tension and open up space for fresh thoughts, feelings and ideas to flow. Studies show that engaging in new thought patterns and challenging your mind with diverse activities helps relieve stress and can even help you live longer. 

With all these positive outcomes, it is easy to see why I am a proponent of movement. The challenge, of course, is finding your perfect balance between movement and stillness. Like all things in life, the scale should not tip too far to one side. I look forward to sharing some thoughts on stillness with you next week!

Your Perspective is Your Choice

A wise man once said "the grass is greener where you water it." Not the quote you are used to, right? You may be used to the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side." However, I have come to understand that this is not the truth. Typically, if a person is not happy with what they have, chances are they are not going to be happy with the "other side" either. If you are unable to appreciate any grass, so to speak, what does it matter which side you are on?

All of this is to point out that so much of happiness in life is about perspective and choice. I have said it before, life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you respond to it. In that 90 percent you have the opportunity to decide what you would like to do with the cards you have been dealt, whether positive, negative or anywhere in between. When you understand that you have the power to choose how you respond to a challenging situation your perspective shifts and you empower yourself to take more control over your life.

Some of you might be aware that I recently made a big move to Italy to live and work on a farm. There were many questions as to why myself and my husband, both of sound mind and overall good judgment, would do such a thing. "What about money?", "What will you do with your apartment?", "What about your jobs?", and just "Why...?" were the most frequently asked ones. It likely confused or infuriated people when we shrugged and told them we are doing this because we want to and that everything will work out. Knowing that this would make us happy, we decided to travel and "water the grass" along the way.

The long answer to why we made this decision is to experience a different lifestyle, learn to live more simply, immerse ourselves in a culture we have grown to love, and eat endless amounts of pasta. The short answer is: we wanted a change in perspective.

For now, my new normal is working with my hands, taking a rest in the afternoon, communicating in a language I do not know yet, and learning how to embrace the slow pace of farm living. In choosing this shift in perspective, I am embracing change, accepting challenges, and taking in every new experience along the way. I will continue to relay my experiences from the farm and share the lessons I am learning with you all. The first of which is: learn to water your own grass. Appreciate the small things that make you feel fulfilled, happy, and at peace with life. If you are able to that, it does not matter where the grass is, it will always be green.

Practicing Yoga Principles Daily

I love incorporating yoga into my fitness routine, but it is the yoga-mindset that I carry with me throughout the week. You do not have to go to a yoga class to enjoy all of the benefits. There are principles of yoga that have nothing to do with poses or flexibility. Concepts like being in the present moment, having awareness of your thoughts and feelings, being connected to breath, and living without self-judgment and comparison are all practices anyone can benefit from.

Research shows that yoga can help decrease stress, improve heart health, manage chronic health conditions, and improve mental wellness, among many other benefits. There are several components to a yoga class: movement through poses, connection to breath, and mindfulness. You can have your own yoga practice at home or incorporate these concepts into any other fitness routine you may have. The important thing is to get up and get in motion as often as you can.       

Perhaps the most important place to start is connecting to your breath. Breathe deeply and slowly, in and out of your nose noticing how the air feels going in and coming out. If that is difficult try only focusing on your feet as you are walking. Literally just feel your feet. Your mind will naturally wander, but bring your concentration back to your feet. Checking in with yourself in this way can be a calming experience. It can also bring to light how often you are not connected to your breathing, on autopilot or multitasking.

Once you are comfortable being connected to your breath, you can deepen the practice by breathing deeper and more intentionally. This is an excellent tool to get calm, centered and focused. . It can even help lower your heart rate. An easy breathing technique that you can do anywhere is inhaling for three seconds and exhaling slowly for three (or more) seconds. You can begin lengthening your inhale and exhale for further relaxation.

Mindfulness is the practice of being present, connected, and non-judgmental in your daily life. This sense of connectedness serves to ground your mind and body and should be used in conjunction with other yoga-based practices like deep breathing.

When in a yoga class, you are often prompted to take inventory of how you are thinking and feeling and then you are asked to acknowledge those thoughts and sensations and release them. To do this in daily life, try doing a scan of your mind and body by checking in with everything going on in that moment. Maybe you notice that you are slouching, that your shoulders are tense, and you are thinking about an upcoming project. Then imagine letting all of that go and focusing on whatever you are doing right in that moment. Worrying about the future or fretting over the past can be incredibly draining and usually does not serve a positive purpose.

Grounding literally means connecting to the ground. This practice can help us to remember that we are connected to the ground, the earth, this planet that we live on and often forget about. It helps to have that counterpoint that we are all connected to something bigger than just us as individuals. To use grounding in day-to-day life, whether standing or sitting, feel the points of your body that are connected to the ground. While feeling that connection, bring your awareness upwards and feel the lengthening in your spine. Use this whenever you need a shift in perspective and ideally, in conjunction with mindfulness and deep breathing.

My personal favorite reminder from yoga class is to live without self-judgment or comparison. Today’s yoga carries an intimidation factor with it. From the outside, it can appear that people in class are far more advanced than you might be. That disconnect can create discomfort which potentially can prevent you from ever stepping into a class. I get it and I would be lying if I have not been intimidated too. However, I remind myself that my practice is in no way related to the practice of others. Think about it; how does one person’s flexibility relate to your own? I find that a gentle reminder that comparison is not necessary helps to take my practice to a more productive, internal place.

If you are ready to work on more yoga-specific movements and poses, I encourage you to start with a sun salutation. Doing this sequence of movements, especially in the morning, is energizing and can help create a peaceful mindset to start your day. If you are ready to go to a yoga class, explore the various types of yoga until you find the right fit for you. Check out this infographic if you need some guidance in choosing the right yoga style.

The Importance of Self-Care

How do you think of self-care? Is it an elaborate spa weekend? Spending a week at a tropical resort? While those acts are certainly classified as self-care, there are several more continual self-care practices that you can incorporate into your daily routine. For instance, taking a long shower, going for a walk, and reading a good book are nourishing gifts you can give to yourself easier than you can give yourself a vacation. Self-care is the intentional choice to engage in activities, big and small, that are necessary for optimal comprehensive health: emotional, psychological, physical, social, and spiritual.

In our society it is commonplace to equate self-care with selfishness. The premise of this logic is care for others first and for yourself if there is time, energy or resources left over. What if I told you that the majority of people have it backwards? When you care for yourself first and foremost you are actually able to better care for others.

First, let's address the guilt factor that comes with self-care with a shift in perspective. I like to imagine all of the things that make me who I am as a house with a solid foundation. There are supporting beams that represent things I need to actively maintain to keep me standing strong. This is what self-care is: the supporting beams. You need these things to maintain a strong sense of self. You can give away one support beam, maybe even two if you are feeling generous. However, as a society we tend to give more beams away than we have for ourselves. Your home is likely to crumble when this happens. If all of your support beams are present and strong you are in the position to give to others without sacrificing your own stability.

Realizing that we need to maintain our own "support beams" before we think about giving to others first can be a liberating shift in perspective. One that, in the long run, will serve to make us better partners, friends, listeners, workers, etc. When you understand what you need to function to the best of your abilities and give yourself the nourishment you need, you are naturally going to be in a more refreshed state to help others.

There are plenty of other analogies such as you cannot share water from an empty glass or in the case of a flight you put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. They all speak to the same idea: nourish yourself first.

You likely already engage in some forms of self-care in your daily routine but you may not be placing these activities in the "I'm-doing-this-because-it's-good-for-me" category. You can make self-care an active and intentional practice by reminding yourself of why you do these activities. Maybe you are already in the habit of enjoying a cup of coffee and a few moments of silence in the mornings. Why not practice this with purpose and recognize the calming effect that this has on your body and mind?

Channeling the positive effects that any self-care activity brings allows you to register that you are providing nourishment and helps you to be more present in that self-care moment. It is the difference between being on autopilot when you give to yourself versus being an active participant. Take in how self-care makes you feel relaxed, energized or focused. Be present in the positive sensations, because that is what self-care is all about. Remind yourself that self-care is an ongoing process rather than something you can just check off your to-do list.

If you are not already in the habit of giving to yourself, allow me to suggest ways you could begin. Start by thinking about what feels fulfilling to your mind, body, and soul. Make sure there is variety in how you give to yourself. Remember, self-care doesn't have to be done alone, as long as the purpose is self-nourishment. So go walk and talk with a friend, or volunteer to help others, as long as the purpose is to feed your soul and rejuvenate you.

Get into the practice of giving to yourself as a continual, conscious, connected routine. I am not encouraging you to make sure every "need" on your self-care list is checked off at all costs every day of the week, but make sure at least one or two things are done on a daily basis. There will be times that self-care will be difficult. Try to do a small self-care activity consistently, especially during those difficult times. Allow self-care to be a source of strength, renewal, and connectedness. If you need additional ideas on self-care tips, check out these tips for 45 self-care practices.